Happy Friday !
I am so used to beginning with that line , I just couldn't stop myself, mine was anything but .. though I'm sure for a lot of you that was exactly what it was , a happy Friday :)
The last couple of days I feel hopeless , lost , disillusioned , unloved and very , very alone ! I remember a quote by Robin Williams well not the exact quote , but something along the lines of this .. it's not the fact of being alone that's sad but when you are in a room with people and they make you feel alone is what is crushing ! The very last thing on earth I imagined was the fact making me unhappy would be my own children . As a young child growing up I always wanted children , with such pride and joy I had each one of them and loved them as only a mother can . The cruel world we live in ..because if you dare to say something and nothing directed at them, just at their father , you end up feeling alone , unloved unwanted.. I was disturbed at the theatre by a bunch of very loud Dutch people sitting behind me .. In the theatre where you are supposed to be quiet to concentrate on the musical going on . So getting annoyed later after the show , at the bus stop I told their Dad you call me loud and correct me all the time you see me, when I'm just at home in my own space talking and look at your own kind of people who talk so loudly , shouldn't you stand up and have told them something ?? My eldest daughter took offence started having words with me and marched off , the two younger ones followed her like lap dogs with no sense of loyalty or support for their MUM , their father never told them anything to remain with me or not to interfere because it concerned him and me , not them , but walked away from me as well leaving me alone ... I remember my MUM meant the world to us and I would stand by her side no matter what !! Children of today ?? The world could do without this heartless generation . I am very sad because a few days even before this incident I was planning a couple of days in Dublin but all 3 children refused to come ,not interested at all ! They hate to be photographed as well ,as a result I almost have no pictures of them in the last two or three years ,not even wanting photos with me .
Yes my life my life is made up of being alone , no point having kids if they make you feel alone all the time ! I've never felt more suicidal than I have felt in these last couple of months . I am struggling with wanting to die and knowing I should not ! We are meant to live our lives no matter how difficult because I sincerely believe Suicide is not the answer . if we think that's an escape it's not .. because we just get re- born with all are same issues , problems and insecurities but this time under more difficult circumstances . Reincarnation does exist we are souls that continue on our journey . Our body dies but we the soul & spirit live on to continue growth , for peace and goodness to spread . We are learning all the time .
Depression is a major mental problem and feeling unloved makes the situation worse . The best we can do is be supportive , loving and caring , it does not cost a single penny but could brighten up someone's day ! At least there on the horizon I know I have a crush who does find me attractive and does like me a little bit .. got to seek him out soon , desperately need to be held in his arms x Nobody else loves me and nobody ever has !!
If your life is just too hard , look for something that makes you happy and focus on it . We have to make ourselves happy nobody will do that for you .. ONLY a MUM but unfortunately my mum is no more and I miss her terribly at these moments of my life . I'm looking forward to Sunday the World Cup Cricket finals just can't wait so excited about that , amongst my deep depression COME ON ENGLAND !!!!!
Before I end , a virtual hug to everyone struggling with depression , loneliness , any kind of issue I'm saying a special prayer for strength to overcome this hurdle . Dying is just too easy , living is hard but the ultimate reward when we return in our next life we shall be blessed with far less problems . My goal , be kind but mostly be kind to yourself you need it , nobody is going to rushing over to bother about you . Drink that Irish coffee , wink at some cute bloke and continue talking loudly at home , just don't be an arsehole and disturb a theatre performance .
Have an awesome day and never stop smiling :)
Love & Peace
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